I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
3 2 1 whiskey
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
