My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
