I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The struggles of a small town man whore
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
