Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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