i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
