I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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