Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
