i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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