8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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