i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
