"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
