she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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