just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
