I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
