i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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