The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I don't deserve a penis
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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