Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
