This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
