Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
