I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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