Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
