omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
