I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
