Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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