I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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