go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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