I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
