I think I died a long time ago.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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