I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
