So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
