I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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