Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
