this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
