my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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