A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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