ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
