watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
