Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
