I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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