so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
