She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
