He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
