I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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