so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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