Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
