i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
