Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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