some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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