i think i have two assholes
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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