The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
