I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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